Speeding Car
by Miss-Murdered
Summary: Heero knows something is missing in his life. Yet he knows the obsession with the guy with the braid is not helping.
Pairings/Warnings: 1+2, 1xR, 2x3, implied m/m relationships and het, angst, longing, suicidal thoughts, universe alteration (Duo and Trowa are not Gundam pilots)

Note: I needed to write some angst and I've always wanted to write a universe alteration kinda fic – where one or more of the pilots weren't involved in the war. So this is it. And this is kinda a bit like a soulmate AU type thing… alas, if I had more time there is ways I would extend to a 1x2x3 so maybe one day…Inspired by the song Speeding Cars by Walking on Cars.

* * *

When Heero wakes he knows he has been dreaming. He's not sure what it was about and he doesn't need to remember. They are always the same series of memories merging in his brain so that he feels like he has been bleeding out, or tied down and experimented on or that he has been laid on the cold hard ground losing consciousness after a self-destruction attempt. There are other memories – memories of sleeping on the cold floor of some safe house or bad hotel room and memories of heads exploding in front of his eyes and memories of a puppy in his arms… But Heero doesn't need to remember those things so instead of lying in bed and remembering the dreams and feeling the lingering sensation of them on his skin, he only wipes the sweat from his brow and leaves the bed. He doesn't need any more sleep. Even though it's still the middle of the night and the colony night cycle is still running with a wash of rain. Heero doesn't need it. He can survive for days without sleep and he has. And he can do it again.

He looks down at the bed as he grabs for his gym bag and the clothes he keeps stored there for a quick night time exit. Relena is sleeping and Heero doesn't intend to wake her and he doubts that she'll wake. She is tired and though the make-up hides the bags under her eyes for the camera and public appearances, Heero has seen how tired she is. She can't hide it from him.

She can't hide it even though they are ships crossing in the night. It wasn't meant to be like this – they weren't meant to the fairy tale princess and her brave knight but real life is more complicated than that. As Relena is not a princess, she is a shrewd politician fighting a battle against the old and corrupt and Heero is not her knight. He is a Preventer analyst, unable to work in the field due to PTSD and his "volatile" personality. They tried to give him meds. They made him have psych evals. And they made him have therapy. Sometimes he went. And sometimes he took the pills. But most of the time he hated the woolly-headedness and he pretends he takes the drugs and sees the therapist for Relena's sake. It's always for her rather than him.

As she is constantly travelling, living between Sanc and L1 with Heero. They currently live in the penthouse suite of the Royal Star Hotel. It was meant to be temporary, meant to be somewhere they stayed while Heero worked in the L1 Preventer Colony Headquarters and Relena tried to help the new fledgling colonial governments. Yet it hadn't worked like that. Instead they still live in the temporary accommodation a year later and Relena travels more and more. It wasn't meant to be like it was. But it has an advantage. At least he can use the hotels well equipped gym.

He changes in the bathroom, in the harsh white light that all hotel bathrooms seem to have. Heero remembers the various hotel bathrooms he has seen – he remembers the times with Odin and the times during the war and he stifles a shudder as he strips out of his sleep clothes and leaves them in a pool around his ankles on the floor. He sees himself in the mirror, a brief look and he tries to ignore all the scars and wounds that track like spider-webs over his torso and back. They remind him of too many things he tries to forget and so he doesn't look too closely. Relena says they make him seem brave, make him seem like the hero he is but Heero only thinks it makes him look broken. Like a vase that had been broken and glued back together by unskilled hands. He thinks of those vases he'd seen at Quatre's mansions and he imagines the expensive pottery smashed and re-constructed with crazy glue. It's a strange image in his head but Heero can't shake it as he pushes the hair from his eyes and looks through his bag for his gym clothes.

He changes into the tight black shorts, the familiar tightness a sort of sensory comfort he doesn't quite understand. He doesn't wear a green tank top, instead the t-shirt he wears is grey and soft and says "Preventer – L1 Division" on it in a faded black script. He leaves then. Leaves the bathroom and the suite and only nods to Relena's bored security team as he departs. They are used to his odd movements and his strange behaviour. He's sure they've been briefed on him – probably something along the lines of "psychologically damaged ex-Gundam pilot" – and he knows they look at him oddly but he doesn't care. Maybe he's stopped caring about most things now.

The gym is only accessed via his room key and Heero goes through the limited security measure quickly as he does most days. He's soon at the treadmill, running and running, and soon he is sweating and breathing heavily as he pushes his body to the limit. There's no one else in the gym and Heero is glad of it as it means there is no one else with music playing loudly from their ear-buds and there's no attempt at conversation. Instead Heero can lose himself in the beating of his heart.

He knows he's not happy. Heero isn't sure if he knows what that is. How could he? He was raised by a killer, trained from childhood to be a solider and then blundered his way through a war he hoped to die during. He didn't expect to survive. He didn't expect to have _her._ Yet here he was and Heero wasn't sure what he was meant to do with the future he has in his hands. He loves Relena, he knows he does, yet he isn't sure how he loves her or how he is meant to feel. And that's when _he_ flashes into his mind.

Heero doesn't know who he is. He only sees him every morning on his way to work and for some reason Heero can't stop staring. He's not sure why, doesn't know why his gaze lingers yet Heero always feels a weird prickling feeling underneath his skin every time he sees him.

He stands out. L1 has always been known as one of the more conservative of the colony clusters – it wasn't L2, for example, so he just looks different. Heero idly wonders whether he is from another cluster. Or maybe even earth. It's a thought that keep filtering through Heero's mind, unbidden, and he knows that he can find the guy's image on the security vidfeeds near Preventer HQ and he can run his face through recognition technology… but Heero knows. He knows it will do him no good.

He's not sure why he thinks so much about the guy. He has Relena. He has a job that keeps him away from ending up in locked up in a white walled room and force fed pills. Yet he knows that something is missing and he is not sure why his damn mind has fixated on _him._

Heero tries to forget, tries to continue his exercise regime and then shower swiftly. It is all very quick, mechanical and done in the gym's stark black chrome shower cubicles. He supposes the shower cubicles are supposed to look sleek and modern. To Heero they look similar to military bases or a prison. Neither bring up good thoughts so he shrugs them away and dresses in his Preventer uniform that is always neatly folded in his gym bag. He doesn't have to go back to the suite, doesn't have to go and be asked questions by Relena and see her beautiful eyes looking at him with worry and concern. He knows it's not fair that he just leaves her in the night, that he doesn't smile or talk to her in the morning. But he can't. Not anymore. Perhaps if he distances himself from her she won't notice. Won't notice that somethings missing. That he's broken. That maybe he's not in love.

His gym bag over his shoulder, Heero walks. He could drive. There is a black sleek car that Relena uses and Heero can use to. Yet he walks. The night cycle is ending and the rain has finished though there is a lingering splatter of water on the concrete underneath his feet. Heero likes the rain cycles. Sometimes he opts not for the interior of the gym but instead decides to run through the streets. Yet he knows how he looks when he does it and he knows Preventer monitors him and if they see him behave erratically… He knows he's close to some enforced therapy. Yet he always escapes it. If he wasn't so good at his job, Heero was sure he would be in a facility far away from the world. If it wasn't for Relena, Heero would not be allowed the freedom he has.

He walks and soon Heero is close to the L1 Preventer Headquarters. He pauses, thinks he could go into the office, into his segregated room of steel and many computer screens and sift through all the data that has come in through the night. He has done that many times. Yet he doesn't. As he wants to see him.

The coffee shop on the corner is open, a chain from earth with its green logo, and Heero steps in and orders a green tea and tries not to grumble when they ask him for his name and ask him a million questions about his order. He knows he's not good at these normal social interactions. Heero wasn't trained at them. He knows how to dismantle guns and how to kill someone both quickly and painlessly and how to make it long and painful but Heero manages these awkward moments with grunts and stares. Though this is not as bad as usual and Heero takes a seat by the window once he is served his drink.

He tells himself he is sitting by the window so that he is close to an exit. He sits facing the doorway so that he can keep his escape route in view. Yet he knows he is lying to himself. Heero wonders if he will see him.

Heero has seen him come to this place. Or at least, Heero guesses he has as he often carries around the cardboard cup in his long fingers as he walks down the busy street. The streets are getting busier as Heero sits, cars beginning to move and it soon becomes apparent why this is the hub of the L1 colony as the electric cars make their small whirring noises as they pass. And as it gets busier, Heero watches through the window even more closely, his blue eyes narrowed as though he is a predator stalking his prey.

His heart leaps when he sees long brown hair. He hates that it does. He's not sure why the braid so fascinates him. Maybe it's because Heero had learnt through his rigorous training that anonymity was very important. He had learnt that having no defining characteristics was vital. Heero tried to be forgetful to anyone that saw him. He dressed in boring clothes, his facial expressions were always neutral and he kept his hair in the same slightly messy style. He had to remember this guy hadn't been a trained killer, had to remember he hadn't fought in a war and ordinary civilians did not think like him. It was hard to remember that not everyone was so royally fucked up. Heero almost laughs at the thought.

He drinks his tea, watches and begins to realise how futile the whole situation is. This guy won't save him. This guy won't understand him and Heero doesn't know why he thinks he can. Sometimes, in the dark, Heero thinks he knows this guy more deeply than just the fleeting glances on the street.

Of course, Heero notices the tattoos. He notices the blue eyes that shimmer. He notices the way his lips curve and the way he seems to walk with a stride that almost borders on a swagger. Yet Heero knows other things he just shouldn't damn well _know_ from his glimpses - he can hear his voice, can feel his calloused fingers against his skin and he can sense the way his hair smells of cigarette smoke and tea tree shampoo. It's as though it's a trace of a memory. As though a memory from another life. Sometimes, when he tries, Heero can close his eyes and he tastes blood on his lips and he feels the harsh press of chapped lips and he feels the hard pressure of Gundanium against his back. It's all brief, it's all wrong but Heero feels a wound like a bullet hole in his chest and he can't shake it off. He wishes he could.

The guy is no one. And maybe Heero is going crazy. Maybe it just shows he's losing it, that he's not able to integrate into normal life and society and maybe it would've been better he had died in that bunker in Relena's arms. Fuck.

And of course, that guy has someone. Heero has seen them together. He's tall and has the model good looks that Heero could never attain due to whatever screwed up experimentation Doctor J had done to him. And though it's only every few weeks that Heero sees them together, he has seen the heavy metal band around their fingers and he knows that they are in love. More in love than he and Relena ever have been. Or ever will be. They walk in time, they catch each other's eyes and smile and Heero can see a similar tattoo on their necks, a mask of some kind. It makes him feel something Heero has never really understood before. Jealousy.

He leaves the coffee shop, leaves half his cold tea he has forgotten about. He checks his phone, sees that Relena has messaged and told him to have a good day and he tries to not feel so damn guilty. It as though he has been cheating on her. Yet he is cheating on her with a shadow, with a flickering movie screen memory and he knows that it's all in his head. And he knows he doesn't deserve her or her trust or her love.

Heero wanders for a while until he can approach the office at a reasonable time. He feels sick in his stomach and bumps into people as he walks. He feels disorientated, useless, unworthy. He sees the cars and wonders what would happen if he just walks into their path.

And that's when he sees him.

They are on the opposite side of the road and Heero stops dead in his tracks. He is alone, he is wearing large black headphones over his ears and his lips are moving as though he is singing along. He looks carefree… beautiful and Heero feels a pang of memories and images flood into his head. They are in bed together, naked, and there is music that Heero has never heard and there is hazy smoke and Heero doesn't know why he has these… these images from another life. In this life, Heero sees him not in jeans, but in a priests outfit and Heero is so damn confused as he takes a step…

It's too late that Heero realises what he is doing. He was thinking about stepping in front of a car. He had thought of what it would be like to feel his bones crunch and his blood flow and his head hit the hard ground. Yet he wasn't quite going to do it. Or so he thought.

It's then their eyes meet. It's then Heero sees how damn blue they are and how they widen in fear and how his mouth opens and Heero hears the sound of the car braking and people shouting and yet it is all as though under water. It feels like when he self-destructed. It feels like he is not in his body and time has stopped. And maybe it's for the best, Heero thinks. He can't continue in this half-life, in this life where he imagines this other life but then the world comes back and Heero only feels the judder of the impact, slowed down by brakes.

He falls, not hard, not with the impact Heero expects and he doesn't brace himself, doesn't stop himself, instead he just falls. It all feels hazy, all feels damn wrong and Heero thinks of two Preventer uniforms, of those blue eyes in the heat of a fire fight and the scars across a lean body and a cross resting on pale chest near a heart.

"Buddy… you okay?"

Heero hears the voice, looks up and it's _him._ Of course, Heero knows who it will be. He knows that voice – knows how it sounds in battle, in the throes of passion, when it's teasing… and yet it all feels unreal as a hand is offered wearing that heavy wedding band and he sees those large headphones hanging from around his neck, the music still audible through them. That song he doesn't know but he somehow _does._

"Yeah…" Heero mumbles.

"You just stepped out… you sure?"

Heero nods and takes the hand, is hauled up by a surprising amount of strength and they step back onto the safety of the sidewalk. He can hear people complaining about his actions, thinking him crazy and Heero gives a sharp wave to the driver who looks murderous.

"I just…" He can't say what he means. Heero can't say what he was thinking about. So he swallows. "Long shift… tired."

"Oh shit… you're Prev, right?"

"Yeah."

"I'm Duo," he says, "lemme get you a coffee buddy. You're a hero."

He almost laughs. _Almost._ Yet he doesn't. Instead all Heero does is give a half smile. "Thanks for helping me… I'll just go to HQ. Go to medical. Get checked over."

Heero speaks in a clipped tone, in monotone, in a way that doesn't show his emotions. As underneath his skin he burns. He wants to touch. Wants to kiss this guy… this _Duo_ but he knows this isn't his Duo, whatever that Duo is… whatever that half-life is.

"You sure you're okay?"

He wants to say he's not okay. He wants to say that in another universe they were meant to be… that they fought alongside one another yet all Heero can do is nod again.

"Yeah… thanks… _Duo_."

The name feels right on his lips. Feels like it belongs. Yet it can't belong. He has Relena and he has his real life and this is all an image distorted in a circus mirror.

"No problem… lemme get you that coffee one time though… I'm around most mornings."

"Sure. Thanks again."

With a grin, Duo elbows Heero in the ribs. "No more stepping in front of speeding cars, huh?"

Heero finds himself smiling in response, a rare thing and with a brief nod, he walks away. He can feel Duo's eyes on him as he walks to the Preventer building, can feel the world looking at him and he is sure something is missing in his life. Yet Heero knows it can't be Duo.

It is just not meant to be.


End file.
